you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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