Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I cockslap morals
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
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