I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
