Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
