i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
