Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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