Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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