im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Who died my cat blue again?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
