I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
