How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
