he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
