Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I want a musical about memes.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
