She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
40s are totally the cure
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
