I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
