i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
