I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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