Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
