i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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