the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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