u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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