i think i have two assholes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
