Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize