Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
