you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
