I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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