ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i came on her dog
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize