She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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