i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
