Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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