my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
