i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
