At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
