get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
