so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
