threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
