guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize