You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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