he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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