your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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