...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
