you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize