anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
