Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he just fucked me for my cheese..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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