All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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