So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
