I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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