Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
nutella sex= disaster
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
