Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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