So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
