did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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