you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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