its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
