How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
