Sponge bath it is.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
