I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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