i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
