piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
