Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
