I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
