I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
