tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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