I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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