she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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