My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
