My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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