i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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