Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
whose parrot is this?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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